"Hello, my name is Tracey"…. "Hi Tracey." responds the room in the typical monotone, yet surprisingly synchronized manner. "I'm 45 years old and I'm a Human-Doing. It's been 10 minutes since I last looked at my Blackberry."
They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step towards recovery, so here's me owning up. Basically, I have trouble sitting still and just "Be-ing". As I sip my cuppa tea in Peet's writing this, I'm surrounded by a host of other highly-caffeinated offenders with their iPhones all busily txting away. Unfortunately, it doesn't give me much solace to know that I'm not alone in this. It just means that there's a whole bunch of other people running around not paying attention as their life speeds by.
It's important to note that this isn't just an issue of smart-phone abuse – that's just one of the many external manifestations. As anyone who really knows me will tell you, it's much worse than that. Actually, if this was just a matter of my obsessive need to "Google" anytime a question is asked that I don't know the answer to, I could chalk it up to my insatiable need for answers and move on.
No, my issue is that I have been "doing" and "moving" and "going" for my entire life and I finally realized that I lost track of the destination somewhere along the line. Of course, that assumes that I once had it in sight, which may very well have been an illusion. You may read this and say, "so what?" and "why does it matter?" and "can't you just live your life without worrying about those things?" To which I say... in short…"not really".
I don't have any kids, so there's no legacy there and I'm not at all religious, so I don't have any kind of peace or reward in the afterlife to look forward to. So, basically, this is it – the whole enchilada – and I can't shake the feeling that I need to do something worthy with this life that I've been given or that I've failed. Which brings me back to the constant need to "do" and "achieve". Somehow, being in motion always felt more purposeful and useful than sitting still….but actually, thinking about it now, it really just kicks up more dust.
I realize that this is one of the "big" questions and that people far more erudite and enlightened than me have been searching for "the answer" for centuries. The thing is, I don't need the answer for all of humanity – just my miniscule piece of it. Bottom line, I'm healthy, I have tons of energy and passion (some might say too much) and I just want to use whatever remaining time I have left to do something useful. Of course, the conundrum there is the same one as my issue with selecting a tattoo. I've wanted one for years but have never committed because I haven't found the one PERFECT image that I'd want on my body for the rest of my life.
Clearly, the search for perfection results in paralysis – I've learned that lesson over and over in my life. But on the other hand, I don't want to just keep thrashing around for the next 20 years either going from thing to thing….
I guess…for now….I should just go back to my tea and thoughts…sit quietly for a spell…. and maybe, just maybe…if I can quiet the maelstrom that is my inner world….a path will appear.
