Love Actually…

On this day of hearts, flowers and a seemingly endless supply of "the top 100 love songs" on the radio, I am once again brought back to one question: is there such a thing as true and lasting romantic love?

Yes, I know the fairytales and everything that Hollywood dishes up - which, IMHO is part of the problem because they create completely unrealistic expectations. And, with things like: eHarmony, The Bachelor and speed-dating, there's plenty of people peddling it. But…what exactly is the "IT" and does it really exist anywhere other than in harlequin romances and on celluloid?

On the one hand, there's new love. The rush of adrenaline and that soaring feeling brought on by a potent dopamine and norepinephrine cocktail. Surely amazing while it lasts…but…that's just it – it never does. Then of course, there's the love I feel for my friends, which, for me, happens when I truly connect with another person - they see me (in the Avatar sense) and there is mutual understanding and respect. That kind IS lasting for me and comes with loyalty, patience and acceptance.

I recently had this conversation with a friend of mine and he posited that romantic love is a combination of the two mixed with a desire to build a future with someone, sprinkled with a touch of magic. That's probably the best explanation I've ever heard and it certainly gives me something to shoot for. I'd like to believe that it's possible and occasionally I encounter couples who seem to have it…so maybe it is – just very, very rare. But then again, worthwhile things usually are.

So, as it always is with matters of faith for me, I'll keep a realistic perspective, but allow for the possibility – just in case.

 

 

 

A Body in Motion….

"Hello, my name is Tracey"…. "Hi Tracey." responds the room in the typical monotone, yet surprisingly synchronized manner. "I'm 45 years old and I'm a Human-Doing. It's been 10 minutes since I last looked at my Blackberry."

They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step towards recovery, so here's me owning up. Basically, I have trouble sitting still and just "Be-ing". As I sip my cuppa tea in Peet's writing this, I'm surrounded by a host of other highly-caffeinated offenders with their iPhones all busily txting away. Unfortunately, it doesn't give me much solace to know that I'm not alone in this. It just means that there's a whole bunch of other people running around not paying attention as their life speeds by.

It's important to note that this isn't just an issue of smart-phone abuse – that's just one of the many external manifestations. As anyone who really knows me will tell you, it's much worse than that. Actually, if this was just a matter of my obsessive need to "Google" anytime a question is asked that I don't know the answer to, I could chalk it up to my insatiable need for answers and move on.

No, my issue is that I have been "doing" and "moving" and "going" for my entire life and I finally realized that I lost track of the destination somewhere along the line. Of course, that assumes that I once had it in sight, which may very well have been an illusion. You may read this and say, "so what?" and "why does it matter?" and "can't you just live your life without worrying about those things?" To which I say... in short…"not really".

I don't have any kids, so there's no legacy there and I'm not at all religious, so I don't have any kind of peace or reward in the afterlife to look forward to. So, basically, this is it – the whole enchilada – and I can't shake the feeling that I need to do something worthy with this life that I've been given or that I've failed. Which brings me back to the constant need to "do" and "achieve". Somehow, being in motion always felt more purposeful and useful than sitting still….but actually, thinking about it now, it really just kicks up more dust.

I realize that this is one of the "big" questions and that people far more erudite and enlightened than me have been searching for "the answer" for centuries. The thing is, I don't need the answer for all of humanity – just my miniscule piece of it. Bottom line, I'm healthy, I have tons of energy and passion (some might say too much) and I just want to use whatever remaining time I have left to do something useful. Of course, the conundrum there is the same one as my issue with selecting a tattoo. I've wanted one for years but have never committed because I haven't found the one PERFECT image that I'd want on my body for the rest of my life.

Clearly, the search for perfection results in paralysis – I've learned that lesson over and over in my life. But on the other hand, I don't want to just keep thrashing around for the next 20 years either going from thing to thing….

I guess…for now….I should just go back to my tea and thoughts…sit quietly for a spell…. and maybe, just maybe…if I can quiet the maelstrom that is my inner world….a path will appear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reassembling Humpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall;
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King's horses
And all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty together again!

Wikipedia lists a number of different potential origins for this nursery rhyme from King Richard III to Humperdinck, a Romanian Prince. However, I've started thinking about it in a totally different context - namely, the implications from a personal growth and transformation perspective.

Bottom line, no one could put Humpty back together because no one can fix anyone else. Sure, our egg-shaped friend could have gotten instructions on the 12 steps for recovering from a tragic fall or scored some good drugs so that he didn't feel quite so broken up…but at the end of the day, the only one who could put Humpty together was….yep, you got it… Humpty.

Of course, the $64,000 question is HOW? Well, I've been giving that question a great deal of thought these past few months, and I have some ideas.

The first thing I wondered was: what does it mean to be "broken" anyway? And with that question, I'm not talking about people who have significant issues. Rather, I'm referring to the rest of us who are generally healthy and functioning humans in the world, but still have our share of baggage.

Looking at myself – which is really all that I can do – I think that the cracks come from that little negative voice in my head that prevents me from truly believing in myself and keeps me from achieving a real sense of balance and peace. So, if that's the case, then the only way to truly be whole is to face that voice head-on and tell it to shut the fuck up.

Of course, in order to have that conversation, I need to be prepared with the facts, which is going to require that I listen even more closely to that voice for awhile. That way, I can calmly and rationally address each point and dismiss the stuff that is completely ridiculous and do something about the items that have some merit.

 

 

Standing still…

If you're familiar with Myers Briggs, I'm an ENTJ which means that I think my way through life and have a tendency towards order. That's definitely consistent with most aspects of my being. I love jigsaw puzzles, I arrange my shirts in color, sleeve length and fabric order, and before iPods, there was a true science to the way I arranged my CDs. Given that, you might find it hard to believe that for the past 20 years, I have thrown my life into complete chaos on a fairly regular basis.

Every 2-2.5 years, I'd change all of the stuff that is included in the list of "most stressful" all at once – my job, where I lived and who or if I was dating. The most extreme time was when my dad died, which added another dimension of change and stress to the list. As a note, I'm also a pattern person, so the fact that I seemed to be repeating a well-worn path wasn't lost on me. Don't get me wrong – there was usually a perfectly good reason for moving – mostly driven by work opportunities, and I don't regret the choices that I made , but as I get closer to my 45^th birthday, I find myself trying to understand the reasons for this penchant for upheaval.

My current working theory is that the thing about being a fixer is that you always need something to fix. If life is just going along in a day-in, day-out kinda way, there's not a lot for someone like me to sink my teeth into. Looking back, most of my moves came at times when I was either A) bored or B) trying to get over some emotional upset. Apparently, for me, the best way to combat either is to distract myself with a large project – like packing, moving and starting a new job. Of course, the problem with that approach, is that once the dust settles and order is regained, you're still there and so are your issues. As Jon Kabat-Zinn says, "Wherever you go, there you are".

Coincidentally (or not), I currently find myself in a similar situation – I've been in Philly a little over 2 years and I'm dealing with some personal stuff. The difference this time is that I actually own a house – my first one – I love my job, and although it could actually make sense for me to pack up and move back to SF, I really don't feel like getting back into "go" mode right now. Again, I am amused by the title of this blog, since "crisis" is exactly what I used to create and am now trying to avoid.

So, this time, I'm opting for the alternative – which is to stay put and avoid making any massive changes in my life – a path that is a lot harder than I expected it to be. Without any massive undertaking to focus on, there's just me and my thoughts and WAY too much time to think. During the past few months, I've cycled through the full emotional spectrum and have forged new roads by staying present for each one – which has been far scarier than any one of my cross-country moves.

At 3 months into it, I feel like I'm on the edge of learning something important about myself that will help me design the latter half of my life. Hopefully, if I stick with it, key insights and a more-centered way of living are waiting for me the other end. I think that all of the scurrying around was very "noisy" and, that it made it impossible to hear my inner voice. As with any meditation, perhaps if I focus on stillness in my life, I can achieve some peace and balance – which are certainly goals worth waiting for.

Conscious Living…

This is not a new idea by any means. It's one that has been around for thousands of years, and I have bookshelves filled with both Eastern and Western philosophers providing guidance on mindfulness. Regardless, it's one of those things that falls into the category of "easier said than done".

In the book I'm reading, "Iconoclast: A Neuroscientist Reveals How to Think Differently", the author makes the case that we're biologically programmed to see things in ways we've always seen them in order to save energy. Yeah, that's right – when all is said and done, we're still just biological machines that require fuel to survive, and efficiency is king. Being conscious, really conscious – especially of the simple, repetitive stuff that we do every day – is way more taxing. Anyone who has ever driven somewhere and didn't remember the trip, or found themselves wondering whether they locked the front door knows what I mean.

So, that means that repeating earlier patterns and following a well-worn path is not only easier, it's something we're biologically programmed to do. Well, that explains the first 45 years of my life. But as they say in business, "what got you from there to here ain't the same thing that you need to get you from here to there".

I've come up against this idea a few times in the past couple of months from a diet and exercise perspective, and now I'm tackling it in all the other areas of my life. I have no idea how much longer I have before I "shuffle off this mortal coil", but I'll be damned if I'm going to spend the rest of it asleep at the wheel and continuing to play the same movie over and over again.

I don't know what this destination looks like other than to say that it would be of my own making, and shaped by decisions made by who I am today and not a result of unresolved issues from my childhood. While I firmly believe that this is the right – and only – path forward for me, it is also extremely daunting, full of hurdles and I'm sure that I'll stumble and fall along the way.

Regardless, I've already taken a bunch of steps down this road, and there's no turning back now. The only thing left to do is to get on my hiking boots, pack up my ol' kit bag and prepare for the journey.

It’s easy to be a monk at the top of a mountain…

I have no idea where I heard this, but it's always stuck with me.

When I started my health and fitness program – and this blog for that matter, life was all good. Sure, there were your typical stressors, but no major disruptions in the force. Unfortunately, life never stays still and it was inevitable that "shit would happen".

When I named this blog, I was merely trying to find a clever and catchy title. But now, I've started asking myself what, "mid life, no crisis" really means. Clearly, it would be completely unreasonable for me to expect no major challenges, sadness or upset for the next decade. So, what is a realistic goal?

I think that the answer lies in the Buddhists' Four Noble Truths. Specifically, it's pretty much guaranteed that there will be suffering in my life, but what really matters is how I respond to it. So, here's the $64K question: is it possible to go through something painful, experience the pain, learn from it and then move past it without spending an eternity wallowing in self-doubt, denial and self-flagellation? Good question, but I really don't know the answer. If I look at my past behavior, then the prognosis for future performance ain't so good.

So…what to do?

The logical answer is to stop doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results… unfortunately, executing on that plan is a little tougher.

Suffice it to say, I took some good baby steps in that direction this past week. Even though things were tough, I didn't go back to my bad eating habits and I even exercised a few times during the week. I tried hard to focus on staying in the present and not over-thinking the situation… I didn't do so well there, but as I said, baby steps.

Most importantly, I realized that I actually do want to strive for a "no crisis" way of life. Or, as they say in the "Lion King", "Hakuna Matata"

 

 

Consistent persistence

Hi, my name is Tracey and I'm an immediate gratification junkie.

As I wrote that, I was wondering snarkily whether they make a 12 step program for that, when I realized that THAT likely is the basis of many 12 step programs. Hmm….that's something I'll need to chew on for awhile.

At any rate, even though I really do understand and appreciate that "life is about the journey, not the destination", I guess I really need those goal posts along the way. And…my other primary aphorism is that "happiness is a measure of how close your reality comes to your expectations". Put those two things together, and you've basically got the key ingredients of my psyche. Given that, I guess that the fact that I've been a project manager in some way, shape or form for over 20 years shouldn't be a surprise.

So….if you apply those factors to my current goal of health and fitness, it translates into a plan with a timeline and a set of key milestones along the way. With regard to the weight loss milestones, I really didn't know what to expect this time, since I'm older and my metabolism is slower.

Given the 6lb reduction after week 1, I thought that a reasonable expectation for week 2 would have been 1-2 lbs, since I still have a long way to go to achieve my goal of 15 lbs. I am fully cognizant that weight loss gets much harder at a certain point, but I shouldn't be anywhere near there.

So, when I tell you that I lost 0.4 lbs at my weigh-in last Sunday, my disappointment and discouragement shouldn't surprise you. I know, I know…that's silly, and I should be pleased that I kept the weight off for another week, yeah, yeah, whatever. The fact remains, that my little heart sunk when I recorded my measurements.

Normally, at this point in the program, I would have reverted to my 5-year old self, and done the "sour grapes" move. Namely, deciding that the program wasn't working and found some way to abandon it. Perhaps it's growth, or maybe the fact that I had my boyfriend there to encourage me, but I'm happy to say that that's NOT what happened. To my delight, after I got done with my mini internal tantrum, my response was quite the opposite – I decided to work harder. Yes sports fans – that's a major leap.

I once bought a book called, "How you do anything is how you do everything" which is a workbook geared towards self-discovery. During this process, I'm realizing that the process of changing some of the tougher, more abstract behaviors might be facilitated by tackling a concrete problem. In this case, the issue is my need for constant reinforcement in order to continue on a path, which is something that I've struggled with my entire life, but have never figured out how to fix.

By continuing to "play the plan" as it were this time, I'm wondering whether it will help me avoid this behavior pattern in a different scenario… hmmm… more food for thought.

Anyway, to get back to the actual topic at hand, I realized that my metabolic rate (BMR) had decreased week-to-week, which means that my body was getting used to eating less, a slippery slope indeed. That's the amazing thing about a body – it's unbelievably adaptive. It's really not effective (or healthy) to "starve your way" to weight loss, since, up to a point, your body will literally go into "starvation mode" and lower the amount of energy required to maintain your weight. Rather, you need to combine healthy eating with a rigorous exercise regimen so that you focus on increasing the output requirements.

I decided to do just that, and made a commitment to maintain the healthy eating regimen I had established and step up the exercise portion. I haven't weighed myself this week yet, but I'm definitely feeling better, stronger and a tiny bit leaner. Regardless, my other promise is that I'm not going to let myself be controlled by these week-to-week measures. Rather, I'll use them as a reference point and will continue to persist.

My brain on a diet

I can't speak for the rest of humanity, but for me, changing my diet demands a LOT more from my brain than my body.

Case in point, most wild animals don't over-eat (yes, I know some domestic animals do..which is probably more evidence for my point). Our body knows how much fuel it needs based on the amount of energy expended, and it adjusts accordingly by sending signals to our brains to tell us that we're hungry. As Kurt Vonnegut talks about in his book Galapagos, the problem with human beings is our "big brains" that cause us to do things animals would NEVER even consider.

Think about these popular reasons for eating (and drinking for that matter): boredom, depression, anxiety, celebration and pleasure. Bottom line, whether we're happy or sad, alone or with a group, food and alcohol play a HUGE part in our day to day lives and our psyche. As a result, changing one's practices is bound to bring up a lotta stuff.

I think that ice cream is a great example of this. You know, the "I scream, you scream, we all scream" stuff. When I was a kid (and I can't imagine that I'm alone in this), my daddy would buy me an ice cream cone whenever: A) I got a good grade on a test, B) I got a boo-boo and C) just because it was summer time and that was what you did at night in the summer. Not to be too Freudian here and blame my parents, but what message could I possibly derive from this other than that ice cream is the ultimate food!! I ask you, what other food is used BOTH as a reward for a job well done AND to make everything all better???

So, to get back to my original point, food is the ultimate legal drug that we use both as a reward AND comfort. Man, that's one POWERFUL substance, dontcha think?

All in all, week 2 of the program went fine. I ate well, I exercised some of the time and I generally feel better. The problem started at the end of the week when it had been a full two weeks without alcohol, sweets, pasta, rice or bread of any kind. I did get a chance to go out to eat a few times, so my meals weren't completely boring, but let's face it, I cut out all of the major emotionally-charged food groups. I had a REALLY tough day at work on Friday, was in a funk and was craving one of my old favorite go-to foods, but thankfully, due to my will and my desire NOT to ruin my perfect 5s for eating, I did not succumb.

A triumph, you might say… well, yeah – on that front. But as a result, I turned to my other, non-food vices of laziness and shopping. Thankfully, Banana Republic has some GREAT sales going on right now, so the pocket-book impact was minimal, but still…what a complete weakling I am!

After over-thinking this last night, I realized that I am programmed to expect some kind of reward or indulgence after a job well done, and some kind of soothing after a difficult experience. Is that nature or nurture, I wonder? More importantly, is it something that can be overcome?

I don't know the answer, but as they say in various 12 step programs, knowing that you have a problem is the first step to fixing it. People who know me know that I HATE being a slave to anything. So, the next step is to figure out how to conquer this. One way to avoid using my other standard go-to vices is to create different connections in my brain. So, instead of using food, shopping or sloth whenever I have a bad day, identify other, more healthy ones, like reading a book, or taking a bath.

While that's a fine short-term approach to prevent me from engaging in bad behavior, it really doesn't solve the root of the problem. Namely, I'd like to be able to have either a bad day or a great day and NOT feel the need to either reward or soothe via any external mechanism. Is that too ambitious a goal, I wonder?

I have no idea, but I think it's a worthwhile thing to strive for. If I go back into my past, the only time I ever got close was a very short stint when I was meditating twice a day, doing lots of yoga and was far more balanced overall. Something to consider…

The first week’s results

When dieting, I typically don't recommend weighing yourself every week, because it usually takes longer than that to see results, and your weight can fluctuate from day to day. Thus said, my eating and exercise regimen was so dramatically different this past week than the past few months, so I just had to check.

I'm sure that you'll all understand my shriek of delight when the scale showed a drop of 6 lbs and a loss of 2% body fat!!! Wohoooo!!! That was a great motivator and I was really excited as I went shopping at Whole Foods later that afternoon. I got lots of great veggies and lean meats and was looking forward to preparing some tasty and healthy meals.

Re the competition stats, my boyfriend had the same great results that I did, and he actually beat me by a measly 5 points for the week. No matter, I'll get 'em next week.

On the healthy eating front, I'm not a chef by any means. I have done some cooking in my life, but it's always with a recipe book and lots of measuring tools in hand. I have a bunch of friends who are truly talented in that area and are just naturals at it. I went to visit one of them while I was out in SF for the week, and I got a couple of great recipes that I tried out on Sunday that were fabulous. Who knew that I could eat Swiss chard and like it?? He even made brussel sprouts taste great.

Now I'm all set for the next week working at home – which can be a challenge when dieting. Wish me luck!

 

 

Early to rise

This is probably as good a time as any for a word on exercising in the morning. Let me be clear – I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON. I'm also not a night owl. Actually, I'm pretty much a mid-day person, if there's such a thing. I like being able to wake up at 7:30am, have breakfast before starting my day, and I'm usually in bed by 11ish. Unfortunately, when you work for a start-up and have commitments after work (especially when you're travelling), the early morning is really the only time when you can reliably dedicate 30-60 minutes to exercise. As I've said before, I'm a very logical person, and unless I wanted to fail before I got started, I realized that I needed to do the morning workout thing if I wanted to get anything but a big goose egg in the exercise column during my trip.

I'm lucky to be staying at a hotel that has a gym (of sorts), so, for the majority of mornings, I was on the elliptical machine at 6:30am, watching CNBC and doing my 30 minutes.

The thing that kills me is how many times I hear people tell me that they can't workout in the morning when I tell this story. I'll suspend disbelief for a moment and allow for the possibility that there are actually normal, healthy people who truly can't workout in the morning, but for the most part, I believe that it's more of a won't than a can't and that they believe by attributing their lack of motivation to some kind of biological limitation lets them off the hook.

For clarification, I'm not talking about people who can't do things because they have other obligations in the morning -- that's different. Rather, I'm referring to the excuse that their bodies just don't work in the morning. In my experience, the human body is an amazingly adaptable thing, and although I agree it's hard to get accustomed to, and you have to figure out how to ensure that you have enough fuel to get going, it is something that you can and do get used to in time.

Also, I'm not a fan of excuses or whining and when I find myself doing either, I think about all of the people who don't have the luxuries that I do, which helps give me a kick in the ass. For example, I don't think it would go over very well if I was in the military and tried to put a pillow over my head at 05 hundred hours and tell my Sergeant that I should be able to stay in bed since I'm not a morning person.

From a report card perspective, I certainly didn't get a perfect score for the week – or anywhere close to that in the exercise column, but I'm OK with that. The one thing that I know will make me fail is to beat myself up or feel bad about myself. I am proud that I got a solid 3 for most of the days, and I'm definitely feeling better now that I'm exercising on a regular basis.

Now the challenge will be to keep this up and establish a good routine at home.